Montag, 3. Februar 2014

Nudity, Sex And Graphic Content In American Cinema

The film Consignment (Slice of Americana Films) was my take on New Jack City (The Jackson/McHenry Company) produced on a independent budget. After finishing the script I had two choices as a filmmaker. Water down a gritty story inspired by true events to fit a PG-13 audience or deal with showing strong subject matter including nudity and simulated sex. After some soul searching I knew it would be impossible for this movie to resonate with any true realism going the PG-13 route.

In order to give movie viewers an honest portrayal of characters involved in illicit drug deals, street violence, and the fast life some creative elements would have to be uncensored. This script wasn't written to be produced as a feel good family movie. Consignment was inspired by true events that were not clean and proper.

New Jack City director Mario Van Peebles with screenwriters Barry Michael Cooper and Thomas Lee Wright caught heat in 1991 from a few critics for showing the scene where drugs are being packaged by topless women. What those critics missed was that scene was based on true events. To leave it out of the movie or depict it censored would have taken away from the impact of the story they were telling. I respect their choice to include that scene.

I was going to take the same creative path for Consignment then reality hit. Including nudity, sex, and graphic content in a movie wasn't taught in any film class or workshop I had heard of. I've rea d a lot books on making movies, but none I remember covered those hot button topics. The only I recall was one my favorite filmmaking books. Make Your Own Damn Movie!: Secrets of a Renegade Director by Lloyd Kaufman gave the advice to shoot your nude scenes first in case an actor got cold feet later. That makes sense. Outside of Lloyd's book a great majority never touch on the subject.

They read more like a technical manual full of camera positions, lighting set ups, or the best equipment to shoot and edit your movie with. I learned first hand to include nudity, simulated sex, and strong subject matter in a movie boils down to communicating with actors. I dedicated a full chapter in my recent book The First Movie Is The Toughest to this subject from casting to filming. Here is a sneak peek for interested readers -

When casting starts for roles that require an actor to appear nude be upfront to potential talent. It's not fair to say to an actor they might ha ve to appear nude in a scene if you know that might really means they will. Reinforce this point at casting calls by highlighting specific roles and scenes in the script that will require nudity. Keep sides (not a full version of a script) available for actors to read. This allows an actor to read the context in which nudity plays a part in a scene.

I've been asked many different kinds of questions when casting roles that require nudity. Usually it's "can you shoot the role without the nudity?" or "what will exactly be shown on camera? It's helpful to have this dialogue with potential actors early on. I have found as a filmmakers that when actors ask questions it helps tighten my vision of how I will shoot those scenes. Be clear and direct on what will be expected of actors and how you will shoot each scene. Share your creative vision for these scenes. Remember to be respectful and answer all the questions an actor might ask you about scenes involving nudity. Strong communication is important.

During the casting of Consignment there was a difficult role of a female gangster that gets raped and murdered by her sadistic drug connection. I needed someone with real acting professionalism to take on a role that dealt with such a strong subject matter. Mimi Moss (I Tried featuring Bone Thugs 'n' Harmony) reading for the part had a great audition. She was offered the role on the spot, but before she would accept it she wanted to talk to me as the filmmaker in more detail about the role and what was expected. We had a discussion and open dialogue on what my expectations were and what she felt about the role. When we were done talking she wanted to do the role.

There wasnt any doubt it was going to be a challenging scene for her as an actor. The nudity wasn't the focal point or at the heart of the scene. My goal was to reel in the emotions of viewers by showing this powerful female character at her most vulnerable. She ended up delivering a griping performance. The camera was focused on her eyes and facial expression drawing viewers in to experience her pain. Without open dialogue between us this creative collaboration wouldnt have been possible.

I've always viewed sharing real life experiences making movies as a positive. Every filmmaker from Jam es Cameron to Uwe Boll has different insight into making movies. I've never felt you can pattern yourself after another filmmaker. Look at each story you're going to tell and do it justice from your perspective.





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Sonntag, 2. Februar 2014

Hate Story Hindi Movie Review

Satisfy the newest avatar of Maa Kali! The fascist avenging woman happens to be a favourite figure of fantasy fashioning for the films. Who can forget Nargis gunning down her very own son in Mehboob Khan's "Mother India"?

The motivations for revenge in "Hate Story" are not quite those that impelled the woman protagonist to rise up in arms in "Mother India" or for instance in "Bhavna", a film directed by "Hate Story" maker Vikram Bhatt's father Pravin Bhatt, where Shabana Azmi killed her very own husband.

Really, who needs a gun to get even if you have sex?

Paoli doesn't give a damn if her bare back or flesh flash over the screen. She displays a healthy attitude of disdain for that camera, letting it swoop down on her vulture design, never allowing her vengeful character's hot journey to obtain sleazy, cheesy or lurid. The camera violates the woman's character's privacy with her consent.

"Hate Story" is really a tale that invites provocative measures of counter-argument. Once the protagonist Kaavya (Paoli Dam) gets right down to revenge, she spares no one, least of just about all herself. She announces she wants to be the sex worker, and thereafter, there's no looking back again.

And quite a comely back it is.

Paoli's Kaavya utilizes her physique to lure her enemy into the woman's trap. Director Vivek Agnihotri cuts into her journey of self-destructive vendetta just like a knife.

The episodes sometimes stretch the limits associated with belief. But what the heck! No one is creating a statement here on the politically correct conduct from the Indian woman.

In what can be regarded among the most defiantly unconventional debut performances, Paoli lets herself opt for the furious flow of her character's vendetta.
The episodes hammer into each other with scarce room to breathe. The pace is dizzy the majority of the way. And when it slows down, you have the protagonist's vendetta is losing its steam.

Steamy lovemaking scenes are strewn over the narrative's stricken landscape. The soundtrack suggests there's a good urgent tragedy nudging the hot content. The dialogues by Rohit Malhotra don't shy from telling it like it is.

Vikram Bhatt's script is Sidney Sheldon territory. It doesn't shy from showing the heroine in an unflattering light. This really is new-age cinema with no room for conventional story devices or apologies for what the protagonist sets out to complete.

If in 'The Dirty Picture', Vidya Balan wore her sexuality on her behalf sleeve, in 'Hate Story', Paoli uses her sexuality just like a favoured currency in the stock market.

Mint-fresh as well as shock-proof, Paoli interprets her character with vigorous confidence. As her ad versary Gulshan Devaiah (so watchable within "Shaitan" and "That Girl In Yellow Boots") careens in between rage and anguish quite effortlessly.

"Hate Story" isn't quite the tale of the simpering wronged woman we have been seeing in our films since the time Adam impregnated Event.

"Hate Story" pushes the envelope so hard, all of the contents spill out in a torrential tumble of tantalising power-play set inside the world of corporate battles and gender conflicts.

This can be a most riveting and aesthetic saga of a woman's revenge from the man who's wronged her since R. K. Nayyar's "Inteqaam" -- except for the truth that Paoli does things Sadhana in Nayyar's film might have never imagined.





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Samstag, 1. Februar 2014

Having Sex With Your Husband Again After the Affair

Because of my personal experiences and the articles that I write about infidelity, I often get a wide range of questions about healing after an affair. One of the more common deals with intimacy and sex with a husband following his cheating. Often, I hear comments like "I'm just repulsed at the thought of him having sex with someone else," or "I just don't even want him to touch me," or "I want to be intimate again, but I just can't get over this," or "I can't get the images or him and the other woman out of my head when he's showing me affection."

All of these thoughts are absolutely normal, but you must eventually move past them if you want to share a close and intimate bond in your marriage again. In this article, I'll discuss some tips that may help you to eventually be comfortable with intimacy again.

Don't Rush It: An affair is so painful. There's no doubt about that. There is often an inclination to do whatever it takes to move on as quickly as possible as being present in the aftermath of the affair feels too painful and awkward and most people want this over as quickly as possible. So, many couples will brush past the tough questions and issues, hoping that they really don't need to delve into the whats and whys.

But, the problem with this is that if you don't address these things, they will always be lurking in the back of your mind, causing you doubt and pain. And, if you rush intimacy before you are really ready, you're likely to have a bad experience which many couples will see as "proof" that the marriage and the passion is really dead, or that there is too much distrust and distance between you. This can sometimes be made worse by the fact that the wife doubts that the husband still finds her sexy and attractive. So, it's best to wait until healing is accomplished and self esteem is restored.

On the flip side, some couples find that their sex life actually accelerates after an affair. It's often a way to "prove" that things are fine and that you can still connect. If there are no unresolved feelings, my advice would be different, but this is almost never the case. Most often, in the days or weeks following, the negative emotions and doubts will start to rear their ugly heads and you're left even more confused.

Make Sure You Don't Feel Pressured Or Any Unresolved Issues: In order to restore a healthy sex life after an affair, both parties must be willing participants going into this with their whole hearts. This can't happen if there are any unresolved issues or doubts. For this to be and feel right, both parties must understand why the affair happened and fix whatever issues are needed to ensure that it won't happen again.

If there are still issues in your mind that you can't move past, be honest with your husband and tell him exactly what you need. Don't expect him to read your mind. So often, husbands are desperate to do whatever it takes, but they don't know what this is and they are so afraid of doing something that is going to make you feel worse. So, they make the mistake of doing nothing and you often read this as their indifference or distance when it is really neither of these. Have patience and understand that this is often a marathon and not a sprint. Healing comes in little pieces rather than big chunks and that's OK. It's better to wait until you can go into this unburdened than to rush it and feel worse.

Make Sure Your Self Esteem Is In The Right Place: Probably the biggest obstacle that I see after an affair is that the wife doubts that the husband really still finds her desirable or sexy. She fears that, if he were honest, he'd rather have the other woman instead. You should know that statistics show that men who cheat only find the other women "more attractive or alluring" than their wives about 10% of the time. So, you can put that fear to rest. It's so important that you don't set yourself up for what you perceive as pity sex or forgiveness sex. What you want instead is intimacy between two people who want to share the positive feelings that they continue to feel for one another.

If you need to work on your self esteem or confidence, don't feel guilty or shy about doing so. It's so important to take care of yourself right now. And, if you can't see yourself as vibrant,attractive, andsexy,you will never buy that your husband could do the same and this is going to sabotage your intimacy. Isay this from experience.

When The Time Is Right, You Will Know It:If you're feeling any doubts or little voicesof caution in the back of your head, wait. People who contact me with stories of bad sexual experiences after an affair often also say they knew it wasn't right but went ahead anyway. It's best to wait until you are feeling no doubt. Often, the "right time" will just leave you with no questions or doubts and you will know that this is the time to move forward. Wait for this becauseit will be worth it and afterward, you will feel better, more confident, and close to your husband rather than less so.

Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can reada very personal story on my blog at /





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Freitag, 31. Januar 2014

Watch Tiger Woods' Sex Tape Streaming Online Free

Life & Style reports that an audio recording of Tiger Woods having phone sex has been shopped in the past. Writer Ian Halperin tells the magazine, "Two years ago, a woman approached me with an audio file supposedly of Tiger Woods having phone sex. She wanted me to do a story on it. It sounded like him, but I had no proof."

Steamy alleged text messages between Woods and one rumored mistress, Jaimee Grubbs, have already been published, and another batch was released today. The latest is sue of Life & Style has more info. The full press release is below:

During romps with his various mistresses, Tiger Woods "was taking Ambien and drinking," an insider tells Life & Style. After sex, "he definitely went to sleep with these girls," the insider continues. "He must be freaking out about what else could be out there." Celebrity biographer Ian Halperin tells Life & Style, "Two years ago, a woman approached me with an audio file supposedly of Tiger Woods having phone sex. She wanted me to do a story on it. It sounded like him, but I had no proof." If one of Tiger's women does have footage, she could get millions. "A Tiger sex tape could be worth $5 million, possibly as high as $10 million," Steven Hirsch, founder and co-chairman of adult-video company Vivid Entertainment, te lls Life & Style.

Since Tiger's affair with Rachel Uchitel (who he was apparently falling for) was exposed, a procession of women have been identified as his lovers.

Among the places they claim to have had sex with the sports superstar are his Florida mansion and a series of hotels - all with security cameras.

At least one of the women (Grubbs) also shot sex videos of romps with other boyfriends, sparking a damage control scramble from Tiger's camp.

Watch Tiger Woods' Sex Tape Streaming Online Free!



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Donnerstag, 30. Januar 2014

Assimilation After Sex and Love - From the Neanderthals to the Irish

People Mixing Is History

Time.com has reported on a recent genetic project that took immense amounts of work.

Researchers compared the Neanderthal genome to the genomes of five living people: one San from southern Africa, one Yoruba from West Africa, one Papua New Guinean, one Han Chinese and one French person. Scientists discovered that 1% to 4% of the latter three DNA samples is shared with Neanderthal's proof that Neanderthals and early modern humans interbred. The fact that Neanderthal DNA was not present in the genomes of the two present-day Africans indicates that interbreeding occurred after some root population of early modern humans had left Africa, but before the species evolved into distinct groups in Europe and Asia.

As Time declares, "The "gene flow" of Neanderthal DNA into early human DNA was found only in one direction: from them to us. The study found no early modern human DNA in the Neanderthal genome. It is not clear whether interbreeding may have happened a few times among small populations or frequently among large populations the genetic remnants would look the same to scientists' current technology. The Neanderthal DNA appears in the modern human genomes randomly, suggesting it offers no evolutionary benefit and is merely a genetic relic."

Neanderthal Married Into Cro Magnon Relationships

Why not? The Neanderthals had been around for over 100,000 years. That's a long time. This Cro Magnon group looked different. Had more tools. Better living conditions, and because they had come from far away and survived and succeeded all the way up into the Middle East and Europe, they were better adapted, probably in many ways. Eventually the Neanderthals just went out of existence. But their genes are still with us as "genetic relics".

They Succeeded Sexually and Romantically. But They Are Still Extinct.

"You're a bloody Neanderthal", she screamed at him in her Croatian accent at her Neanderthal husband. "You can't hunt like my people. We've got two kids, and you come back with groundhogs. Meathead my brother has a big tent and his family has fabulous furs." Yawno, the Neanderthal Husband muttered. "I just can't keep up with the fastest guys, and I still have not mastered that spear. I have trained, but I just can't run as fast, or hunt as well -- as Meathead and his dudes. I think they don't let me get the best shots."

Obviously, They Were Not Pariahs

In India, there is a subcast that is not allowed to have any relationships with the higher casts. Pariahs, members of a very low caste, in the former caste systems of Burma and India, usually relegated to the least desirable occupations such as domestic servants and hired farm hands. The term has become a synonym for outcasts who are excluded from normal social activities. The Neanderthals failed, not because the Cro Magnons excluded them from any contact obviously. The Cro Magnons most likely, did not kill them off. They were not pariahs, but eventually, they could not adapt. So, we have Neanderthal genes. The story always gets more interesting when it involves sex and love.

This historic attempt to permanently put a group of people in a sociological prison is actually quite unique. History shows us that if people undergo miscegenation that new peoples come about. Fly over areas of the world in an imaginary balloon, and you could record this process over and over again, cyclically and endlessly. You will see this process moving forward implacably, relentlessly and without cessation. People make love, form families, languages start changing as groups move here and there and tribes become groups of tribes, and they become peoples. And then weather intervenes, climates become colder or drier, flooded or parched. People movement creates conflict and more people meet people they have not met before. And then history goes on, as romance always is afire.

The Irish - A Micro Story of the World

This one little island is a fascinating example of these concepts about assimilation, conflict, love and romance. First, when the original original Irish were there, they were shorter darker haired and very "at home" in the deep dark woods. They migrated to Ireland after the last ice age (circa 10,000 BC). When the Iberian (Spanish) Irish made their big move, probably from Mediterranean homes, about 2000 BC - The Tuatha De Danann sailed from Spain to Ireland. The Tuatha De Danann classified the original people in metaphysical, allegorical, mythological tales (leprechauns and the like) as time went on. But in reality, they were known as the Firbolgs. They were just very different from these "sophisticated" Irish.

The Romans - "Not", The Vikings - "Yes", The Normans - "Undoubtedly"

Being islands, they were always subject to ingress from various sources. St. Patrick was said to be a slave, so you can see that wild part of the world invited many incursions. The Romans never really made it to Ireland, which as a historical decision kept the Irish as a "fly in the amber" of the ancient Celtic world. When the Vikings made it to Ireland, they clubbed their way in, raped and stole and killed and then established cities and settled down, marrying many Irish girls, along with some Viking females who came later. The Vikings became tribal. Names like O'Neil are actually Nordic. These walled towns had a way of civilizing Ireland because they did not really make walled towns. They had villages, but not protective forts. The Vikings brought the red-haired genes (800's to 1,000). People think that red hair is an Irish trait, and it is, but it is originally Nordic.

The Normans Become Blood and the "Bloody Saxon" Becomes An Irish Epithet

The blonde Germanic Saxon pushed their way into England and eventually established themselves to such an extent that the blonde Germanic look and the English language itself, are Germanic (Saxon).They were just a group of mercenaries in the beginning, but they grew to such influence that the original people were named "foreigners" or "The Welsh", by the Saxons in their foreign tongue, which would eventually become English. Well, eventually, William the Conqueror and his Normans defeated the Saxons (1066). When the Normans started invading Ireland, it began a very long history of conquest from the 1200's to the 1700's. Irish history really is quite colorful from a combative, religious, linguistic and cultural standpoint, but the really sexy part of the story is the Norman gentry.

The Normans (ruling class English) came to Ireland. It was often a "bastard son" without any inheritance of English Royalty who came to Ireland to claim a piece of the land. Like the original Vikings who came to Northern France, they came without women. So, those Vikings married French girls and it became "Normandy" or "the part of France that speaks French, but looks different inasmuch as they are Vikings who married French girls in Northwest France." Well, the Normans (ancient Vikings) did the same thing in Ireland, the Norman princes married the Irish girls and established a new class of people with different last names, but, and this is a big but. They were known as "more Irish than the Irish". The English Royalty, ruling in England and observing these developments, were absolutely befuddled. They would send orders and representatives and commands and policies, but still the Normans who went to Ireland just became more Irish.

When Oliver Cromwell ("the bloody Saxon") (1600's) went to Ireland he made a completely different impression. Being powerfully anti-Catholic, he tried to kill every Irish person he met in battle and decimated the people. The "bloody Saxon" is there way of distinguishing the Protestant and the Germanic ethnicity and cultural bias. I am obviously skipping over much history to make a point of emphasis about blood and intermarriage, along with religion.

"No Irish Allowed"

In the 1800's there was great prejudice against the Irish Catholic. The Irish Protestant was more embraced in America. It was perfectly acceptable to publicly and notably reject Irish Catholic company and patronage. Few people in modern America now, experienced the questions about John F. Kennedy becoming the first Catholic president. Our society has changed so much, so fast, that unless you remember the TV commentary, or actually studied it in a history book (saints be praised), one would not know that this topic was even a point to be considered. The "lace curtain" Irish was a separate designation, appellation and quasi-insult which said: "OK, you have gotten more money than the rest of us, but you are still Irish. It's just that you can afford "lace curtains".

Fast Forward 50 Years On St. Patrick's Day

The Irish ability to become American is probably one of the more impressive stories in history. And it is really the specific purpose of this article. Sex and romance are inevitable, joyous and wonderfully and terribly human. Assimilation is what takes the effort. Take a snapshot of the Present. You would swear the Irish were the original settling peoples who everyone aspires to be related to. Actually, it's really more of a truly American statement. "Hey they drink and have a Saint who skedaddled the serpents out of Ireland. It gives us an excuse to party and wear green and be completely assimilated. Who's gonna say I don't have Irish blood anyway?"

"Who Is Gonna Say I don't Have Irish Blood Anyway?"

Let's be honest. America is a miscegenistic country. Just as soon as someone wants to call themselves pure Puritan stock, someone ups and marries someone of a different hue. The Irish are known for being, let us say, "culturally tolerant" in their marital choices. (Forgive me, if you differ). But then that is the whole history of Ireland. You were stuck on an island. That is choice limiting all by itself. As soon as you were in Ireland for a few generations, you were Irish. People just tended to forget where they were from originally. The invading English notwithstanding. They were troops. You know, the kind that end up marrying Irish girls if they stayed for anytime and did not go back home.

Neanderthals, Pariahs and The Irish

Forgive for the covering of umpteen thousands of years. Since now we know that the Neanderthals and the Cro Magnons did intermarry, we can come to a new observation. The point is that our problems are not whether people can grow to love one another. Our problems have to do with culture and assimilation. Whatever happens, it gets down to being able to work with each other after we have loved each other. It is just an axiom of history that romance finds it way (Romeo and Juliet and other such tales), and then they get married, instead of committing suicide. Their kids get new names and new last names and different in-laws. Next generation, the process keeps going and children get better educations and choose different occupations. We have an African American President. It is historic, but also a natural event. We have a Louisiana Governor who was conceived in India, born in Louisiana, raised as a Hindu, then went to Brown University and Oxford. Stories of breakthroughs are a mazing and inspiring, but still there will always be differences.

There Will Always Be Differences

The red haired clerk with porcelain skin, south of Moab, Utah was selling cold drinks. A group of Indians came in and purchased items, and then left. Without looking up she said: "Them are Utes". The same thing could be said of a new Irish Catholic family moving into town in the 1800's in New York. "Them are those Sullivans". The same thing was said by the Tuatha De Danaan about those ancient wood people's "Them are them Firbolgs". The same thing was said about the Israelites when they settled by the Cannanites. "Them are them Israelites from the Desert." The same thing could be said about Joseph when he came into Egypt. "That's that cute guy from the desert". The same thing could be said about Lot when he came into Sodom and Gommorah. "Them are them hill people". The same thing could be said by the Italians around 1300 BC, when poor immigrants who would eventually become the Romans, landed in their boats: "Them are them immigrants from the destroyed City of Troy". And whe n the English settlers from Roanoke joined a local Indian tribe, the other Indians said of them: "Them are them blonde-haired Indians from Roanoke."

The same thing could be said about the Neanderthals when they camped next to the Cro Magnons for the first time. "Them are them Neanderthals, funny lookin' aint they?" A pause and a giggle: "No, I think they are kind of cute."

Christofer French is the Founder of Astrologygetalong.com.

Read more: /time/health/article/0,8599,1987568,00.html?hpt=Mid#ixzz0nGUtyuXE





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Mittwoch, 29. Januar 2014

Men and Sex Addiction: The Eroticization of Depression

Men and Sex Addiction: The Eroticization of Depression

My work over the last fifteen years as a psychotherapist treating sexual compulsions has brought me into contact with men and more men. They come to my consulting room wearing the mask of shame, humiliation, and confusion. Often, after a period of therapy, they come to a common link among them: they are depressed. Empty and suffering from a disorder that, for men, can be as hidden as sexual deviance itself, depression in men is hardly spoken about. It is women who are depressed it's a women's disease -- with depression occurring four times more often in the fairer sex.

Yet I believe there's a deep cultural collusion taking place: Men don't speak the truth to themselves or others about the dark, jagged, emptiness that consumes them. Talking about the depth of these feelings is so, well, unmanly. The real story about men, sexual acting out and depression is as complex as each of the wounded souls who enter my consulting room. The impact of depression and sexual deviance/addiction on each of them is enormous.

It is here that issues of gender come into play. Girls are socialized to be connected and expressive. But from a very young age, the boy is told by his culture to act upon feelings to seek relief through action rather than through connection or introspection. Pain is externalized in men, resulting in domestic violence, failures in intimacy, alcoholism, workaholism and, certainly, sexual compulsion.

The theme of the manliness of invulnerability has permeated our culture for generations. Look at the male heroes we choose: The Man of Steel, Robocop, Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, The Terminator: all creatures literally made not of flesh and blood and certainly not, horror of horrors, feelings. The culture sends the message that the man who is suffering from unwanted and confusing feelings should not expect help. He must resolve his problems on his own. ("suck it up")

Often he seeks to resolve his emotional problems by turning to a substance, person or activity to regulate his self esteem and to ward off depression. I believe that this is at the heart of the addictive process. When a covertly depressed man's connection to the object of his addiction is undisturbed, he feels good about himself. But when the supply runs out the affair is over, he can't get to the computer to see porn, he is spurned by women he desires, the credit card maxes out his self-worth plummets and the hidden depression begins to unfold. Such feelings of emptiness and depletion can drive him back to his addiction, contributing to the vicious cycle of addiction.

Overt depression, prevalent in women, can be seen as internalized self-hate. Covert depression, which is prevalent in men, can be viewed as internalized disconnection the experience of helplessness, hopelessness and despair is warded off by various "acting out" defenses, inclusive of sex addiction.

The hidden depression in such men stems from a lack of internal vitality. The pain they have but refuse to feel stems from a toxic relationship to the self, which is another way of describing depression. Depression is a disorder wherein the self attacks the self. In overt depression, that attack is evident: in covert depression, the man's defenses protect him from awareness of any feelings. Sex addiction is a perfect way to not feel feelings.

This sense of self-attack could also be called shame, an acutely uncomfortable feeling of being worthless, less than others, outside of the human community. Some experience it as the desire to be "invisible". For many men the state of shame is itself shameful, adding to their distress and pushing them to conceal their depression from others. While some men have the classic symptoms of depression -- feelings of hopelessness, helplessness and despair -- many more experience depression as a state of numbness, known in psychiatry as alexithymia. This experience is not about feeling bad so much as about not having the capacity to feel at all. This incapacity to feel is often discussed as a sense of "emptiness" or "boredom" that emerges when the sex addict isn't engaging in his chosen sexual expression.

A common defense against the painful experience of shame is inflated value, or grandiosity which sexual acting out provides. A feeble sense of self wards off negative feelings through the sense of power that men feel when they are in "the erotic haze." But such attempts are never fully successful. The underlying assault on self always threatens to break through. Underneath the high of sexual acting out are deep feelings of inferiority and shame and powerlessness.

Quite a number of theorists have written about the use of grandiosity to ward off shame. This flight from shame into grandiosity lies at the heart of sex addiction. The excitement of sex, the "erotic haze", the orgasm, the identification with "perfect" men in internet pornography -- lifts the man out of depression and the state of shame into a state of powerfulness, eradicating unwanted feelings as surely as a few martinis do for the alcoholic.

One thing that distinguishes the sex addict from the non-addict is the use of sex as a substitute for self-esteem. The difference between normal and addictive use of sex is the difference between an already adequate sense of self-esteem and desperately shoring up an inadequate one. Nondepressed men turn to sex for relaxation, intimate sharing and fun.

Depressed men turn to sex for relief from distress. Sexual acting out is a magic elixir, transforming shame into grandiosity and moving him from a sense of helplessness to a sense of omnipotent control. The feelings associated with depression vanish with the experience of having an inordinate powerful sense of self.

When the awareness of a pattern of sexual addiction and the very painful consequences becomes clear, the addict may begin to seek treatment. Most sex addiction therapists recommend a behavioral way of curtailing the sexual acting out and the acceptance of a recovery program.

In therapy, the addict is likely to experience strong feelings about the consequences of his acting out. The secret life is unveiled revealing affairs, exhibitionism, voyeurism, masochism or other behaviors comprising a particular sex addict's modus operandi of sexual deviance. The real story about men, sexual acting out and depression is as complex as each of the wounded souls who enter treatment (or remain out of it). The impact of depression and sexual deviance on each of them is enormous.

In treatment, the addictive defense must be confronted and stopped. Then, the hidden pain emerges as depression, and underneath the depression lies childhood trauma. It is only when these traumas are worked through that there can be true freedom from addictive slavery. Only after the shame cycle has stopped, after the addictive pattern has been broken and the person has moved into "recovery" can the pain of hidden depression be addressed and resolved.





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Dienstag, 28. Januar 2014

Brandon Spikes Video | Sex Video Tape Scandal

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Patriots linebacker and former Florida Gators star Brandon Spikes is apparently taking the Hollywood sex video path with a video allegedly showing him naked on Chatroulette.

The video shows a naked man (allegedly Spikes) with a scantily clad woman in a hotel room. The two then proceed to engage in oral sex

It's hard to confirm that it definitely Spikes in the video, however there is definitely a similarity of appearance and although the video quality is fairly rough, the tattoos appear be close as well.

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