Because of my personal experiences and the articles that I write about infidelity, I often get a wide range of questions about healing after an affair. One of the more common deals with intimacy and sex with a husband following his cheating. Often, I hear comments like "I'm just repulsed at the thought of him having sex with someone else," or "I just don't even want him to touch me," or "I want to be intimate again, but I just can't get over this," or "I can't get the images or him and the other woman out of my head when he's showing me affection."
All of these thoughts are absolutely normal, but you must eventually move past them if you want to share a close and intimate bond in your marriage again. In this article, I'll discuss some tips that may help you to eventually be comfortable with intimacy again.
Don't Rush It: An affair is so painful. There's no doubt about that. There is often an inclination to do whatever it takes to move on as quickly as possible as being present in the aftermath of the affair feels too painful and awkward and most people want this over as quickly as possible. So, many couples will brush past the tough questions and issues, hoping that they really don't need to delve into the whats and whys.
But, the problem with this is that if you don't address these things, they will always be lurking in the back of your mind, causing you doubt and pain. And, if you rush intimacy before you are really ready, you're likely to have a bad experience which many couples will see as "proof" that the marriage and the passion is really dead, or that there is too much distrust and distance between you. This can sometimes be made worse by the fact that the wife doubts that the husband still finds her sexy and attractive. So, it's best to wait until healing is accomplished and self esteem is restored.
On the flip side, some couples find that their sex life actually accelerates after an affair. It's often a way to "prove" that things are fine and that you can still connect. If there are no unresolved feelings, my advice would be different, but this is almost never the case. Most often, in the days or weeks following, the negative emotions and doubts will start to rear their ugly heads and you're left even more confused.
Make Sure You Don't Feel Pressured Or Any Unresolved Issues: In order to restore a healthy sex life after an affair, both parties must be willing participants going into this with their whole hearts. This can't happen if there are any unresolved issues or doubts. For this to be and feel right, both parties must understand why the affair happened and fix whatever issues are needed to ensure that it won't happen again.
If there are still issues in your mind that you can't move past, be honest with your husband and tell him exactly what you need. Don't expect him to read your mind. So often, husbands are desperate to do whatever it takes, but they don't know what this is and they are so afraid of doing something that is going to make you feel worse. So, they make the mistake of doing nothing and you often read this as their indifference or distance when it is really neither of these. Have patience and understand that this is often a marathon and not a sprint. Healing comes in little pieces rather than big chunks and that's OK. It's better to wait until you can go into this unburdened than to rush it and feel worse.
Make Sure Your Self Esteem Is In The Right Place: Probably the biggest obstacle that I see after an affair is that the wife doubts that the husband really still finds her desirable or sexy. She fears that, if he were honest, he'd rather have the other woman instead. You should know that statistics show that men who cheat only find the other women "more attractive or alluring" than their wives about 10% of the time. So, you can put that fear to rest. It's so important that you don't set yourself up for what you perceive as pity sex or forgiveness sex. What you want instead is intimacy between two people who want to share the positive feelings that they continue to feel for one another.
If you need to work on your self esteem or confidence, don't feel guilty or shy about doing so. It's so important to take care of yourself right now. And, if you can't see yourself as vibrant,attractive, andsexy,you will never buy that your husband could do the same and this is going to sabotage your intimacy. Isay this from experience.
When The Time Is Right, You Will Know It:If you're feeling any doubts or little voicesof caution in the back of your head, wait. People who contact me with stories of bad sexual experiences after an affair often also say they knew it wasn't right but went ahead anyway. It's best to wait until you are feeling no doubt. Often, the "right time" will just leave you with no questions or doubts and you will know that this is the time to move forward. Wait for this becauseit will be worth it and afterward, you will feel better, more confident, and close to your husband rather than less so.
Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can reada very personal story on my blog at /
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