35 Sex Tips to Spice Up your Love Life - Other

2. Explore motions and really get to know your own body or maybe just find new tricks. Girls ride your man moving your hips in all ways possible and with your body at different angles. Take notes between you of which positions and movements hit the spot. 3. Silky smooth newly shaven balls. For the man, this offers excitement of naked balls and the sexy sensitivity of when they are touched. For the woman - soft shaved balls are so much nicer to suck and lick. 4. The 'No Penetrative Sex' pact. You both agree to the terms of no actual sexual intercourse, however all other forms of foreplay are allowed, things like - licking, sucking, kissing, oral sex, toy play, the list could be endless according to your tastes. The Pact not only extends foreplay but also encourages great foreplay; as one tries to out do the other to see who will want intercourse first. 5. Massage oil. Rub one another down slowly in massage oil slightly warmed in the microwave. Let your bodies glide against each other to massage and feel the tantalising sensations. 6. Pizza! One of you goes out to get a take out pizza, and when they return they are the pizza delivery person, and the partner invites them in and tries to seduce them. 7. Buy a new sex toy and discreetly hide it and surprise your partner by producing it during your next lovemaking session. 8. Blindfold your partner and lead them to a large flat surface - a table or maybe the floor. Lay them down on their backs and decorate their body in food - slices of strawberries, whipped cream, jelly, sliced bananas, ice cream syrups. Their skin will tingle with delight. You can either massage it into their body and get dirty, or eat it off them. 9. Read erotic stories or confessions in adult magazines together. Whilst one reads the other masturbates or performs oral for the reader. 10. Go out on a date. Fix up a date and get ready for it at different locations and meet up in a bar. Feel the excitement of dressing up for your partner and preening yourself so to impress. Feel the anticipation of meeting up, wondering what they will be wearing, and if they remembered to put their knickers on. 11. Use your lover as a canvas for painting on. Lay them down on the floor and use children's finger paints and assorted brushes - feathers, fingers, breasts, penis, sponges - I'm sure you will think of lots of other things you could uses as brushes. 12. Host a huge party at your house, and when the party is swinging and the wine is flowing; sneak about with your lover, hiding in silly places - the broom cupboard, the car, or lock your selves in the bathroom for some heavy petting. 13. Why not visit a swingers club together or a fetish or strip and lap dancing club. Participation isn't compulsory, and you might find just watching arousing. Check out our 'out and about' page for more information and to see what's happening near you. 14. Bathe together. Fill the bathroom with candles and the bath with bubbles a nd take a nice bottle of wine with you. Wash each other and talk and relax, mind you don't loose the soap! 15. Whilst at work or when your apart, strike up a mobile phone text sex conversation - It could start 'When I get home I'm going to do _ _ _ _ _ _ to you'. Spend the day titillating each other with steamy messages building up a story. 16. Have a picnic on the living room floor on a blanket or cushions and pillows in front of the fire. 17. Ice cube play. Make a tray of ice cubes and rub one over your lover's naked body seductively. Stroke it over their nipples and genitals and watch their reaction. 18. Body piercing is a little extreme but you can get a similar effect from non piercing nipple rings and clit clips. 19. Strategically place mirrors around the bedroom so that no matter what you get up to you can always see what's happening from different angles. 20. You will have to think of a good excuse, but - hire a bouncy castle. Either find a secluded place in the gard en to erect it or have your fun on it under the cover of darkness. 21. Talk about your fantasies, if you find talking about them difficult, write them down. Work through the list trying to fulfil these fantasies. 22. Dress up as a naughty nurse or doctor and let your lover be the patient and examine any unusual swellings. 23. Do a slow striptease or lap dance for your lover. Make it a slow dance and tease your lover with movements and gestures, but don't let them touch you until your ready. Tease them into frenzy. 24. I know it's an old clich, but - sex on the washing machine whilst it's spinning. If the tremors don't excite you maybe the location will. 25. Undress each other with your teeth. 26. Get an assorted collection of gloves - leather, lace, wool, surgical gloves and marigolds and test them all out during foreplay for different sensations with their textures. 27. Indulge in hair play. Trail and rub your hair over your lover's naked body. 28. Lasting longer tips. SQUE EZE - approximately 3 or 4 strokes before climax wrap your thumb and index finger around your cock and squeeze, concentrating the pressure on the urethra. START & STOP - this involves stopping before climax to let the excitement clam and then starting again. Using this technique often is said to improve your sexual stamina, as too can regular masturbation. CONDOMS - wearing condoms can also make you last longer because it reduces friction and sensitivity. 29. Use pillows to support and lift body parts during sex, intensifying positions and eliminating strain, making positions much more pleasurable. 30. Phone sex. This does require imagination. Probably the hardest part about phone sex is steering the conversation away from the 'norm' and down the steamy sexy road. Maybe you could start by talking about your last sexy encounter and develop from there. You could act out a fantasy. Move your own hands to where your partner says he would touch you. 31. A shaved pussy turns on so me people. You might want to ask your partners views before you get the razor out. However it does increase sensitivity and stops the pubic hair between the teeth complaint. 32. Try BDSM (bondage, domination, sado, and masochism) Attend a S&M workshop or get a book for information. Lots of toys and props are available on the market geared to this fetish. But remember to agree on a safety word. If anyone uses this word during play, every thing has to stop. 33. Make you own porn movie. Grab a camera and tape your steamy sex session. It may be a little embarrassing to watch back, but very horny to make. 34. Keep your toys clean. There are sex toy cleaning products available. Keeping toys clean is very important, you don't want to give yourself or your lover an infection. 35. Do a sexy photo shoot. You can change your clothing and undies, and create a collection of sexy photos. However, unless you have a digital camera, you will have to keep the pictures erotic rather than porno graphic, else they wont be developed; and if you too shy to take and collect them from a developing shop, use a send away in the post developing place.

Who doesnt say his life sucks. Shout out why your life sucks on - life sucks -

iAutoblog the premier autoblogger software

How To Prepare Her For Anal Sex, First Time Anal Sex - Relationships - Sexuality

Anal Pleasure For Her: How To Give Your Lover The Tightest And Most Intense Sexual Experience Of Her Life!

Usually, the horror stories we hear about anal sex revolve around the guy trying it on his partner even before she is ready. Sometimes, the guy may even spring a surprise on her... causing things to get really messy (in a bad way). The result? Anal sex is given a bad label, shelved and never talked about again in the entire relationship.

Yes, anal pleasure is all about adequate preparation. Not just physical preparation but also mental preparation. In fact, if you can mentally warm your lover up to the idea of hot, lustful anal sex... then most of the work is already done! The key is to take things slowly and give it to her really BAD only after she's ready.

Relax - Anal play is never about force. It's always about full consent between two loving parties. Here's a recap of the facts you need to educate your lover about anal intercourse...

Anal play can make your lover feel good - Since her anus contains a rich number of highly sensitive nerve endings... all of which are intensely stimulated during anal sex.Anal play can feel pleasurably tight for you as well - The human anus contains a ring of strong sphincter muscles that contract and relax... providing a firm gripping sensation for your penis.

Anal sex is not dirty or messy if done correctly. It's not painful if you do the usual preparations and ease yourself into it. If it's painful instead of pleasurable... you're not doing it right! You do the same preparations for anal intercourse as you would with vaginal penetration... the basics are the same!

Some Reasons Why Anal Sex Can Cause A Sexual Revolution In Your Bedroom..

If you have been together with your lover for a while, the usual same old sex routines may be boring. Things may not as intense for her now... especially if she's not as tight as before! Anal sex is a completely new way for you to stimulate her from the inside out... with that level of tightness you crave for yourself!

Most men & women fantasize about having anal sex. For men, it's because the position allows them to be entirely in control. For women, it allows them to give in and surrender to their partners fully. Why not add a new trick up your sleeves?

Anal sex (when done right) allows you to indirectly stimulate the G-spot and bring her to that rousing G-spot orgasm! If sex the conventional way just doesn't make her come... maybe this will have her throbbing uncontrollably in pleasure! Visit Anal Pleasure For Her.

iAutoblog the premier autoblogger software

How Free Casual Sex in Bathrooms Became the New One-Night Stand - Publishing - Writing

Free casual sex in public places isn't exactly a new phenomenon. Ask the members of the Mile High Club. However, this novelty practice seems to be developing into something more common one that makes the regular one-night stand seem unusual.

David, an aspiring Wall Street lawyer in his early 40s who asked not to be tagged with his real name, is about to propose to his girlfriend. He considers free casual sex in restaurant bathrooms the modern equivalent of forbidden trysts. "I'm almost married, so bathrooms are more like motels for me."

Michael Kimmel, who is the author of "Guyland: The Inner World of Men, 18 - 26, says propagation of needed instantaneous free casual sex shows that both straight men and women are now appropriating what was then perceived as homosexual behavior. "In the gay culture," says Kimmel, "there is the idea that you can hit a bar, have free casual sex, zip up, and then have a beer. Now, even women are having free casual sex like their male counterparts do sex for sex's sake. It's way easier for both straight and gay men to have sex whenever they want to."

Shelly, a New York real estate broker in her 30s, provided support to Kimmel's theory with her own story. Her bathroom taste focuses on a new aspect of stall sex: wealth. She isn't defiling the bathroom stalls of local dive bars; she's doing it in the classiest restaurants in Manhattan. "The stalls at Nobu in West 57th are the best," she says. "You can lean over the sink and watch yourself in the mirror as you do the dirty deed."

At velvet-rope clubs, like the Plumm in New York, stall sex is a privilege not only the wealthy take pleasure in but also those with preferred customer status. There is one exclusive room at the Plumm that has been specifically designed to hide stall fornicators. According to club owner Noel Ashman, they have a VIP bathroom that goes through the kitchen for its members with a special key that provides entry. When asked if sex really happens there, an unconcerned Ashman says, "I suppose it does."

Amy Sacco, club owner of celebrity infested Bungalow 8, is similarly undaunted by the practice, although, she takes note of a potential hassle. "It's no surprise if people are having sex in my bathrooms mine are divine," she says. "But hopefully they all make it fast I hate it when the lines starts to get long."

Free casual sex in public places isn't exactly a new phenomenon. Ask the members of the Mile High Club. However, this novelty practice seems to be developing into something more common one that makes the regular one-night stand seem unusual.

David, an aspiring Wall Street lawyer in his early 40s who asked not to be tagged with his real name, is about to propose to his girlfriend. He considers free casual sex in restaurant bathrooms the modern equivalent of forbidden trysts. "I'm almost married, so bathrooms are more like motels for me."

Michael Kimmel, who is the author of "Guyland: The Inner World of Men, 18 " 26, says propagation of needed instantaneous free casual sex shows that both straight men and women are now appropriating what was then perceived as homosexual behavior. "In the gay culture," says Kimmel, there is the idea that you can hit a bar, have free casual sex, zip up, and then have a beer. Now, even women are having free casual sex like their male counterparts do sex for sex's sake. It's way easier for both straight and gay men to have sex whenever they want to."

Shelly, a New York real estate broker in her 30s, provided support to Kimmel's theory with her own story. Her bathroom taste focuses on a new aspect of stall sex: wealth. She isn't defiling the bathroom stalls of local dive bars; she's doing it in the classiest restaurants in Manhattan. "The stalls at Nobu in West 57th are the best," she says. "You can lean over the sink and watch yourself in the mirror as you do the dirty deed."

At velvet-rope clubs, like the Plumm in New York, stall sex is a privilege not only the wealthy take pleasure in but also those with preferred customer status. There is one exclusive room at the Plumm that has been specifically designed to hide stall fornicators. According to club owner Noel Ashman, they have a VIP bathroom that goes through the kitchen for its members with a special key that provides entry. When asked if sex really happens there, an unconcerned Ashman says, "I suppose it does."

Amy Sacco, club owner of celebrity infested Bungalow 8, is similarly undaunted by the practice, although, she takes note of a potential hassle. "It's no surprise if people are having sex in my bathrooms mine are divine," she says. "But hopefully they all make it fast I hate it when the lines starts to get long."

iAutoblog the premier autoblogger software

The Benefits of Online Sex Dating - Relationships - Dating

It is very likely that if you are between the ages 12 and 62, you've tried meeting girls online. And if one study is to be believed, it's fairly easy to see why: Researchers at the University of Texas found out that 30 percent of women who meet a man online end up sleeping together on their first sex dating encounter.

However, scoring chicks online is never easy. You put in loads of man-hours going through profiles, the conversations can be painful, and when you can't read body language and facial expressions, there's lots of room for miscommunication. One mistake could spell danger to an all-night sexathon. So to guarantee that your next online foray leads to offline sex dating, our girls have shared which virtual moves get them all hot and turned on.

Pimp your profile

According to a survey conducted by an online dating site, men who don't smile on their photos, and who look slightly off to the side rather than directly at the camera, receive the most messages from women on the site. A big grin can look goofy, and women are more likely to be drawn to a guy who looks distant and mysterious. Women tend to fantasize about them like portraying a spy when in bed.

If you don't have that sexy scowl to show off, you can shine through the written part of your profile. Most women say that best ones are those that describe you sans the clich. Try to stand out.

Look for the easy mark

With an overwhelming population of women online, how do you find a sure thing? According to statistics, you're most likely to succeed with an older woman who ranks around a seven in looks. Guys tend to go after the tens, while passing off fairly hot women who are just waiting in the wings. These women are more likely to connect with you given the chance.

Similarly, girls in their 30s and 40s are an untapped well of horniness. Men are more focused on hooking up with women younger than them, but little do they know that older women are more sexual.

Woo her

If you're rearing to e-hit on that hot girl you just met, the least you can do is put a coherent sentence together. Avoid using too much emoticons, Netspeak and poor spelling.

One surprising thing to avoid doing when making first contact is complimenting her hotness. Give praise to her personality or interests, but never on her looks. Try gleaning some information from her profile and tell a story relating to what you find out. Remember, the sexiest organ of the body is the brain try stimulating that, and you won't be disappointed.

It is very likely that if you are between the ages 12 and 62, youve tried meeting girls online. And if one study is to be believed, its fairly easy to see why: Researchers at the University of Texas found out that 30 percent of women who meet a man online end up sleeping together on their first sex dating encounter.

However, scoring chicks online is never easy. You put in loads of man-hours going through profiles, the conversations can be painful, and when you cant read body language and facial expressions, theres lots of room for miscommunication. One mistake could spell danger to an all-night sexathon. So to guarantee that your next online foray leads to offline sex dating, our girls have shared which virtual moves get them all hot and turned on.

Pimp your profile

According to a survey conducted by an online dating site, men who dont smile on their photos, and who look slightly off to the side rather than directly at the camera, receive the most messages from women on the site. A big grin can look goofy, and women are more likely to be drawn to a guy who looks distant and mysterious. Women tend to fantasize about them like portraying a spy when in bed.

If you dont have that sexy scowl to show off, you can shine through the written part of your profile. Most women say that best ones are those that describe you sans the clich. Try to stand out.

Look for the easy mark

With an overwhelming population of women online, how do you find a sure thing? According to statistics, youre most likely to succeed with an older woman who ranks around a seven in looks. Guys tend to go after the tens, while passing off fairly hot women who are just waiting in the wings. These women are more likely to connect with you given the chance.

Similarly, girls in their 30s and 40s are an untapped well of horniness. Men are more focused on hooking up with women younger than them, but little do they know that older women are more sexual.

Woo her

If youre rearing to e-hit on that hot girl you just met, the least you can do is put a coherent sentence together. Avoid using too much emoticons, Netspeak and poor spelling.

One surprising thing to avoid doing when making first contact is complimenting her hotness. Give praise to her personality or interests, but never on her looks. Try gleaning some information from her profile and tell a story relating to what you find out. Remember, the sexiest organ of the body is the brain"try stimulating that, and you wont be disappointed.

iAutoblog the premier autoblogger software

THE FIRST DATE: Who's Most Likely to Kiss on First Date - Have Sex? - Relationships - Dating

In the 21st Century dating scene, questions asked about "The First Date" represent a wide variety of personal values and expectations, say WUVING.com.

The online romance advice site, in fielding questions to its relationship experts, has discovered that modern daters of all ages have a range of expectations and values.

Users of dating services that have Christian, senior, interracial and Latin (especially Mexican) clients are basically seeking love and commitment. They ask questions like "Should we kiss on the first date?"

While those who access smartphone dating services are more actively seeking sex, rather than love.

A new survey conducted by polling firm Zoomerang for dating website Match.com, found 62% of singles questioned who use Android devices, have had sex on a first date, compared with 57% of iPhone users and 48% of BlackBerry users.

The survey was headed by Match.com's "Relationship Insider" Kimberly Moffit, who revealed that 75% of Canadian singles believe e-mail and texting have significantly improved their dating life. "More so than zodiac signs or astrology, smart phones are the new way Canadian singles can decode their dating style and determine if they've met their match," explained Ms Moffit.

The Match.com survey playfully broke down the cellphone Daters into three groups.

1) iPhone Users: The Office Romantic ** iPhone addicts are the most likely to date someone in their workplace. Nearly a quarter of iPhone singles have had an office romance in the last five years. ** After a first date, iPhone users wait just one day to reach out, while Android or BlackBerry users will wait until after 2- or 3 dates.

2) BlackBerry Users: The Drunk Dialer ** If you're dating a BlackBerry fan, look for candles and wine. BlackBerry users are most likely to drink alcohol on a first date - 72% will have a drink -- wine, mixed drinks, cocktails or beer -- on the first date. ** A staggering 67% of BlackBerry users say they have experienced "love at first sight."

3) Android Users: The Seducer ** Android users are most likely to be seduced on a first date. 62% of Android singles say they've engaged in sexual activity on the first or second date, compared to 57 per cent of iPhone users and 48 percent of BlackBerry users. ** Out of all smart phone users, Android fans, at 55%, are most likely to have a one-night stand. ** 72% of Android fans have visited an online dating site, compared to 58% of iPhone users and 50% of Blackberry users.

*

Now that Facebook has gone public, the rising popularity and power of social networking in all its formats is catching on fire. Revenues have grown at a torrid pace. Online dating remains one of its hottest sectors. The total market size for online dating is now in excess of $1.0 Billion and comprises large and small players that appeal to customers based on specific niches such as age, religion, sexual orientation, geographic location, income, cultural heritage, and others.

When writing about the continued rise in popularity and usage of online dating sites, Ben Axler, Managing Partner and co-founder of Spruce Point Capital Management, posted,

"Snap Interactive, Inc. (STVI.OB) is the leading provider of social dating and location-based applications built on Facebook and accessible through the company's website and mobile platforms for the Apple (Nasdaq: AAPL) iPhone and Google (Nasdaq: GOOG) Android. Their core dating brand is 'Are YOU Interested?' which has over 55 million user installations."

"Why has online matchmaking become so successful? The advantages for the user are numerous and include:

1) Allows for targeted searches for matches along numerous physical and personal dimensions and qualities; 2) Reduces search time for increasingly time-constrained people; 3) Expands people's dating pool beyond traditional social circles; 4) Facilitates indications of romantic interest and minimizes potential embarrassment from rejection; 5) Promotes a secure and safe way to screen potential matches; and 6) Saves money through free browsing of potential matches, and cost-effective membership plans for subscribers."

Match.com, in the release about its survey, said, "Thanks to social networking and online dating, our love lives and our digital lives have never been more intertwined."

In concluding, they had a few cautions about dating in this high-tech environment: don't get distracted by your cellphone while on a date; don't be too quick to make your new love interest a Facebook friend; don't use a social network to introduce your new mate to friends and family; and sometimes actually call the person rather than sending email or texts.

WUVING.com concluded: "If you are seeking a lasting relationship or life companion, you should join dating sites using your computer, where you will meet thousands of potential mates anonymously -- and can proceed to meet those who attract you more cautiously, using secure email and video chat."

*

As a therapist and relationship expert, I have seen a sea change in the way body image is perceived in modern society. Big Beautiful Women, Supersize Women and Big Handsome Men are increasingly accepted.

The greatest increase in online dating in 2012 is the Seniors Dating, Christian Relationships, Lesbian dating and, greatest of all, Interracial dating (especially between Black and White singles) categories. As the folks at WUVING.com: well know.

- Kate

*

Sources:

1. Sex on first date more likely for Android users- Your smartphone reveals your dating behaviour, survey indicates, CBC News, online at //cbc.ca/news/offbeat/story/2012/02/01/tech-smartphone-dating-survey.html

2. Snap Interactive: Facebook's Fast Growing And Most Undervalued Social Media Company, Ben Axler, online at //seekingalpha.com/article/331542-snap-interactive-facebook-s-fast-growing-and-most-undervalued-social-media-company

3. WUVING.com Relationship Help and Advice. Wuving.com is a free online dating tips site. Virtual assistant for advice & top dating sites for love and romance. Online at

*

Relationships: Dating

*

Copyright 2012 by Kathleen Falken. This Article may be freely emailed, copied and distributed subject to inclusion of this copyright notice and active links.

Tags: the first date, youtube first date, first date letra, after first date, first date quotes, kiss first date, seeking love and commitment, best first date, due date calculator, first kiss, good first date, wuving.com, Android, Blackberry, droid, iOS, iPhone, poptop, Apple, Google, HP, Match.com

iAutoblog the premier autoblogger software

For those with a strong sex drive - Relationships

For those with a strong sex drive, but wanted sex to be more than just animal lust free sex movies offer a colorful bunch assortments.Success on the bed I had known her a few years now, but had never thought of doing it with her. Recently I had seen a great bunch free6 videos and they seemed to drive me to her. Then one night she invited me to his place and took me straight to the shower, where she reached up and kissed me when I washed her pussy and her ass.She dried me and when she finished I picked her up and carried her to bed. I slowly began to kiss her inner thighs and worked my way up to her pussy, nibbling it lovingly, and her moans told me I did well. She was the first time and she just moaned loudly and shook under my hands.However second time she climaxed, she called my name and asked me not to quit. Next I moved between her legs and gently and slowly slid my cock into this big hole. "Please F *** Me long and hard!" I did as I was commanded.I could feel her vagi na pulse around my cock when I came, I do not want to stop but after a while my cock decided that they wanted to rest. We drifted apart and then she lay on my chest and we slept for a while. I woke up later to her suck my dick, getting it hard. But there is another story.Teen six, I was online and watch free movies, which I liked a lot and it reminded me of a class fellow in the school. I could not get her off my mind, but she always said she wanted to be a virgin for her husband.Suddenly free6 this film gave me a big virgin idea, as I told her the next morning, and she agreed immediately. The moment we were alone in the room, she reached over and took some lubricant and spread it on my dick.Then she rolled over and said, "Put some in my ass and then f ** k the shit out of it, I want you to cum inside me there "she directed. So we both would have sex and she will not lose it too. So I rolled over on her, as gently as I could I fcuked that tight little ass just as long and as hard as I could.As I fcuked her ass I reached around and played with her breasts until she was about to climax. When she did that climax I came in her ass! She buried her head in the pillow and screamed "Yes, oh that's good, I want to remember for the rest of my life that you were my rear step it for at least one night," she said cheerfully.

iAutoblog the premier autoblogger software

Sex Addiction Therapy: The Efficacy of 12-Step Programs - Self Help

How Fellowship HealsSex addicts need to substitute people for their sexual acting out. For those who choose it, 12-step meetings do this in abundance. The groups offer many individuals who care, who have similar stories and do not tire of hearing new ones. Because of this caring and support, members in the group may be able to gently confront the addict with his maladaptive defenses of denial, rationalization and magical thinking without inflicting new wounds upon the self. The impulse-controlling capacity of these other individuals is gradually internalized and becomes a part of the self-governing structure of the self. The group itself, as a consistent, caring object also may be internalized. Over time, the psychological wounds of growing up in a dysfunctional family can be repaired through the acquisition of a new family that provides the empathic soothing and caring that was missing in early childhood. Sex addiction groups, -- with their regularity and predictability, their repetitive slogans, and their structure, provide a certain order -- a system --even a ritual, which can be used by the addict in the development of internalized self-governing structures.Learning to Talk about FeelingsA mark of the addictive experience is a sense of overwhelm when faced with intense feelings for which language is inadequate. A 12-step meeting offers a series of lessons in using language to represent the self. The basic format of the meeting is that people gather to speak of themselves and listen to others speak about themselves. This provides a powerful experience in modeling how to use language to express feelings and experience, as well as a reduction in shame. In this way, what was once felt to be unutterable is formulated into words which then de-fuse overwhelming feelings. There is a certain type of control within the individual personality which can have its source only outside of the personality - the moral principles advocated by a closely knit solitary group - and can only be made effective against self-centered, gratification-oriented impulses by an involuntary feeling of belongingness and allegiance to such a group. The unembarrassed acknowledgment of the need for participation in a caring community without ulterior motives, one which accepts the individual totally for what he is, is the linchpin upon which the 12-step process is based. The self of a sex addict cannot exist as a solitary structure; its survival and value require participation in a social structure or community. The development of a true self is always participating with others in its realization and fulfillment .This is the beginning of the "unfreezing" of the developmental arrest and becomes an adaptive substitute for the destructive, maladaptive addiction. But it is only the beginning. The passage from infantile narcissism to emotional maturity and full humanity is ultimately accomplished by consistent immersion in working the 12 steps.How th e Steps Heal Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable. The admission of powerlessness over the one's addiction is the first defeat of infantile egoism, a first step in the assumption of responsibility. The conviction that one can no longer engage in one's addiction becomes an inarguable truth. Denial breaks down as the addict increasingly sees that to give way to the impulse to "pick up" has far-reaching and devastating consequences.The addict comes to terms with the essential paradox: you have to lose to win. The term "surrender" permeates step work. There are two facets of this concept in the first step. The first "surrender", and surely the most significant, is this deep conviction that one is powerless over one's addiction. One surrenders to the reality that one can never act on the impulse to "pick up", "One Day at a Time". This truth becomes an incontrovertible fact as recovery progresses. The second facet is that the addict is really surrendering his sense of uniqueness. As one admits powerlessness, one no longer expects the world to conform to one's own egocentric beliefs. The first step is a step toward "living life on life's terms". It is making a decision that one is no longer driven by the desire for pleasure and is willing to be open to accepting and coping with reality. Step 2: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. An openness to the possibility that a higher power exists necessitates developing boundaries over an egoistic perception of reality. From a psychological developmental perspective, more immature levels of personality structure are egoistic in nature. All things seem related to oneself, a condition that prevents the individual from seeing others for who they really are. Rather, others are seen as extensions of oneself, making it impossible for the individual to have anything but a self-centered point of view. The realization and acceptance of some power (it need not be religious or even spiritual) greater than one's egoistic pursuits puts in motion the abandonment of a grandiose posture. One no longer expects the world to conform to one's own needs and wants. Rather, one learns to live "Life on Life's Terms".Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him. This step suggests that another "surrender" be considered. It is the surrender of one's own willfulness in the decision-making process. When left to their own devises, individuals make decisions based only on their ego-centric motives and ways of seeing the world. The step suggests a less self-driven version of reality which leads one to consider one's powerlessness over many of the events that occur in one's life.Step 3 sparks a renewal of trust in living and a loosening of ego-dominated self-sufficiency. Doing the work of this step requires an understanding and acceptance of paradoxical thinkin g. Prior to recovery, the addict focuses intensely upon control issues. Controlling use of the drug, controlling the amount of damage caused by the using, and controlling emotional distance to minimize vulnerability, held exclusive sway over the addict's consciousness. Step 3 encourages a more passive mode of letting go by surrendering and allowing events to unfold without futile attempts to control outcomes. Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. This step represents the attempt to review one's life in as a meticulous and forthright way as possible, listing the action and choices that have caused guilt and shame in oneself, and harm to others. The process of emotional development involves a degree of self-knowledge and self-awareness. This step is an opportunity for the addict to see repetitive cognitions and behaviors that inhibit this process of growth. When one sees the contribution that these "character defects" have made in one's own misery , the process of projection onto other people and external events for unwanted inner states is reduced. The focus is on the self and not the faults of others. The addict can't help but accept responsibility for his life, a crucial step on the movement towards maturity. The presence of the word "moral" needs special consideration. When the Dr.Jeckyll/Mr.Hyde split occurs in a sex addict, the person "dissociates" and, in a manner not dissimilar to multiple personality disorder, becomes two people. The addict has his "normal" life and his "secret" life. The Dr.Jeckyll side of the personality has one set of values, goals and beliefs, and the Mr.Hyde side has a completely different set. I understand the despair, remorse and regret that follows an episode of acting out (When Dr. Jeckyll returns) as the realization that one has betrayed one's own values and moral injunctions. Step 5: Admitted to ourselves, God, and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.The words "sex a ddict" and "secrecy" are almost synonymous. The addict carries the weight of the knowledge of what occurs in his "secret" world. If he shared the "secret" with another person, he would, in his mind, be condemned to hell. He believes he'd be despised. A diminishing sense of self esteem contributes to a sense of isolation and alienation. With the 5th Step, the secret is out. The ability to know and accept oneself in the presence of complete disclosure to another recovering addict is very freeing. One can let down one's defensive armor and have more of a sense of ease with oneself and the world. The recovering person, in revealing the content of their inventory to another, defuses feelings of guilt and shame. Another significance of this step is the movement from isolation, fear and mistrust of others begins to crumble as the interpersonal immersion in a caring community begins. Step 6: Became willing to have these defects removed. From a psychological standpoint, an attitude o f "willingness" is essential to the process of growth. Again, it puts the person in a less ego-centric stance. It also conveys a breaking down of rigid defense mechanisms that may have worked to survive a frightening, unstable childhood but have now outlived their usefulness and, in fact, contributes to the addict's here-and-now problems in living. Step 7: Humbly asked Him to remove these shortcomings. Humility is a word much- discussed in 12-step meetings. The posture of humility allows a person to quell ceaseless self-preoccupation and opens him/her up to having a sense of awe in the moment-to-moment awareness of life, nature, God and fellow human beings. Humility also suggests a turning-point in personality development from the illusion of self-sufficiency to having an interdependent view of relating to others. Step 7 is the beginning of understanding that character building and remaining close to essential values is more important than chasing the high. I quote from the book "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions" (Alcoholics Anonymous Worldwide): "We never thought of making honesty, tolerance and true love of man and God the daily basis of living. We sought to gain a vision of humility as the avenue to true freedom of the human spirit." Having a humble approach, along with the admission of powerlessness, leads to a softening of childish demands for immediate gratification. Step 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to the all. The quality of inter-personal relationships is a mark of a person's stability and ability to live comfortably with one's fellows. Here we again come across the word "willingness", implying a deeper insight into the self as carrying responsibility for repetitive, unsatisfying personal relationships. It is only by letting go of resentment of the real or imagined harms done by others and focusing on what can be changed in oneself that the personality becomes less emotionally vulnera ble, less reactive and more stable. Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. This is another deeply liberating step. After amends have been made, there are no reasons that one has to hide from the world for past deeds. Those we have harmed and avoided out of shame have an exaggerated power over us. The step implies a readiness to take the consequences of past behavior, which is important in developing new modes of being in the world. It is an essential step in the development of a self and other orientation to living.Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

The development of better coping skills in dealing with the vicissitudes of daily living is the psychological underpinning of this step. When thrown off emotional balance by people or new events, the process of taking a quick inventory, admitting to errors in the now and forgiving, or at least tolerating, the imperfections of others is a sign of a stable person who has developed a new way of dealing with reality.Practice of Step 10 releases one from the need to be right, a truly liberating way of operating in the world. Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation a conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of His will and the power to carry it out. Research has consistently shown the psychological and physical benefits of prayer and meditation. The person in recovery discovers that he is not a victim of his own mind and that he does have power over the state of his inner life. Meditative techniques have a powerful influence in reducing t he anxiety that underlies most addictive behaviors. The individual can generate a sense of calm, focus and direction. Psychologically, the 11th Step is a means for even deeper insight into one's motives and needs. Recovering people are often befuddled about "knowledge of His will". It would seem to me that it is not God's will, or anybody's will, that the addict return to using. It's probable that God's will includes not living a self-centered, self-serving life. Perhaps God's will includes living a moral life, consistent with one's deepest values and beliefs. From a psychological standpoint, it is a conscious contact with our higher selves -- the best part of who we really are. Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs. The inherent values of care for others, unconditional love, and genuine, honest relating is the core of the recovery process, a proce ss that produces a mature personality. Successful application of this step would seem to define the essence of emotional maturity. Maturity connotes having an authentic self that has been able to develop adequate coping skills; a sense of "agency" of the self that had been lost to the addiction; the ability to tolerate emotional pain with the knowledge that all internal states are transitory; the development of healthy inter-personal relationships, and a sense of purpose in living. In summary, the addictive experience is marked by inter-personal difficulties and problems with isolation, self-esteem, impulse control, lack of self-regulation among other symptoms. The problematic dimensions of the addictive experience are addressed through the structure of "S" meetings. The program, including the steps, provides cognitive strategies, compensatory mechanisms and intra/interpersonal resources to assist the addict in successfully negotiating the vicissitudes of human living and st aying sober for good purpose. ReferencesSachs, Kenneth S. Treating Alcoholism as a Disorder of the Self: Insights from Alcoholics Anonymous and MastersonAlcoholism Treatment Quarterly, 1544-4538, Volume 21, Issue 2, 2003, Pages 75 - 85 Hopson, Ronald E. and Beaird-Spiller Beth. Why AA Works :A Psychological Analysis of the Addictive Experience and the Efficacy of Alcoholics Anonymous

iAutoblog the premier autoblogger software